In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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