Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
