i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
