Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
