Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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