Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Randomize
