you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
