Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
