You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
