I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
