He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
