The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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