Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
