Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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