My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
