Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
