U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm way too hungover for life right now
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
