Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
