so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
