He uses pillows to masturbate.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
