Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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