She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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