he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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