I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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