if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ladies don't puke and tell
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
