You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
