You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
