Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
