The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
