someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
