I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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