I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
