Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
