did you get engaged???
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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