I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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