i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
