I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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