so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
