So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
