I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
