Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he fucked my hip out of place.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
soo... how was my night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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