Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
