The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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