gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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