My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
