Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
