Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
