I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
