Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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