Will you blow on my dice?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
