I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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