Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
