im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i think my cat just said my name.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
