I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
tell me about the eggs
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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