make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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