Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
