Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I party with great urgency now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
